Armor Pest Control of Texas

• A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, “Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?” The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, “What do you want?” The snail said, “Could you lend me 10 bucks?” The man yelled, “get out of here!” and then kicked him off the porch. About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, “What did you do that for?”

• This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be true, but you be the judge.
• A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant – especially in her language – was planning a week’s vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
• She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “TOILET” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term “BATHROOM COMMODE.” But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. “Does the campground have it’s own B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.
• Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.
• After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
• “Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.”
• “The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.”
• “I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.”
• “If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.”
• “Remember, this is a friendly community.”

• In a mailing list which I subscribe to there has recently been much debate about non-toxic methods of repelling ant invasions. The Ma Kettle type remedies which were offered usually involved barriers of coffee grounds or baking soda to repel the advancing ant hordes. I felt that these quaint approaches lacked the spirit of violence which is a necessary part of dealing with these insectoidal invaders.
• So, here’s my contribution to the ant genocide debate.
• ===================
• Method A: AARDVARKS
• Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known ant hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).
• Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.
• Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste entire afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between game shows and forgetting to close the fridge door when they’ve raided it for yet another six-pack.
• Method B: LARGE BOOTS
• Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably), obtain a friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to the ants.
• Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.
• Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling of a “Holy War Against Ants” attitude in your boot wielding friend. Show them videos of “Them” and “The Hellstrom Chronicles”.
• Method C: NAPALM
• Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111’s or similar fighter- bomber military aircraft.
• Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide, visually spectacular.
• Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property values. Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbours should you incinerate schools or houses.
• Method D: TECHNO
• Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they subscribe to Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and make frequent posts along the lines of: “My pheromone operating system is better than yours”, “Evil drug companies are withholding antennae rot cures” and “Green Cards for Worker Ants Spam” – encourage flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant society will collapse in a sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass hysteria.
• Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds.
• Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of teeny-tiny-terminals.

•  
  • Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
    A. Nothing, you can’t cross a vector and a scalar.
  • Q. What is teenier than a teeny weeny ant ?
    A. An ants teeny weeny !
  • Q.What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
    A. Homeless
  • Q.What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
    A. His Butt
  • A client in a restaurant complains to the waitress:
  • “There’s cockroach in my borscht!”
  • “Eat, we have more. I’ll bring you a fork.”
  • THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT
  • The Original Version:
  • The ant busts his butt in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and drinks and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
  • The Liberal Version:
  • It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
  • America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the ant with “Green Bias” and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Later, Barbara Streisand makes a double platinum recording of the song and banks another six million dollars.
  • Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a very concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the ” Temperatures of the 80’s”. Bill reports he is sending a new draft Affirmative Discrimination Bill to the Senate and House to codify Government retaliation against sexual harassment and discrimination perpetrated by ants.
  • Finally the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act”, RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.
  • The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in which just happens to be the ant’s old house crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “Fairness” has dawned in America.
  • –
  • Another Modern Version:
  • The beginning is the same. Winter comes. The ant sees the grasshopper coming and shoots him dead. Government forces show up. The ant barricades himself in his house. You know the rest.

• Fleas: Adults live in hair and clothing. Larvae are found under rugs and among accumulated lint incorporating organic matter, including the contents of carpet sweepers and vacuum cleaners.
  
  Food:
•         Adult feeds on blood from humans, pigs, rodents, dogs, coyotes, cats, mules, and deer. Larva eats organic debris, scavenged from hosts.
• Life Cycle:
•         Fleas have a complete metamorphosis. Eggs are frequently laid on the host animal, but may be laid by adults which have fallen to the ground. Female fleas scatter about 500 eggs during her lifetime, which may be 18 months if well fed, 4 months if starved. These eggs will hatch in anywhere from 1 day to several weeks, and will feed for 8-32 days. They pupate in cracks for 3-35 days but may wait months to emerge, aroused by vibrations from a passing potential host. Flea larvae are rarely seen due to there size. They frequently become entwined within the carpet, and resist the pull of a vacuum. The mature larva spins a cocoon for pupation, This cocoon becomes covered with grains of sand, lint, dust, or other debris from the substrate, so will be well camouflaged in the substrate.
• Note: this is why a family may find there new home, or long visited condo infested with fleas, whether they do or do not have pets. 
• General Information:
• Fleas have powerful legs which permit them to jump as much as 7-8 inches upward and 14-16 inches horizontally. Fleas have piercing-sucking mouthparts to penetrate the skin of the host and suck blood.

        A parasite is an organism that obtains nourishment during all or part of its life upon another organism, but usually not directly causing the death of the organism upon which it feeds. Fleas are an ectoparasite, which is a parasite which feed from the external surface of the host. Diseases which fleas can carry are bacteria, protozoans, rickettsia or viruses. When parasites, such as fleas carry another disease, they are called a vector of disease.

• Earwigs         Order Dermaptera       
• Appearance:
•         Earwigs have pinchers or forcep-like appendages at the end of the abdomen. Its size can vary between to 3/4 inch long and can be a dark reddish-brown to jet black in color.
• Habitat:
•         They are active at night, and some species are attracted to lights in large numbers. During the day, they usually find shelter beneath stones, boards, and debris.
• Food:
•         Earwigs are primarily scavengers on dead animal and plant material. Plants and ground litter, and perhaps foodstuffs found in homes and grain warehouses are also attractive.
• Life Cycle:
•         Gradual metamorphosis. Nymphs, which have same appearance except smaller than adults grow to maturity in a few months and can live up to a year.
• General Information:

        Earwigs are often transported great distances in potted plants, nursery stock, or other plant material. Earwigs received there common name by early settlers “old wives tail” that an earwig will crawl into your ear and cause a person to go insane.

• Cicada         Order Homoptera        

  Appearance:

•         Adult cicadas are stocky insects with prominent eyes and semi-transparent wings which fold against the body. They are 1 – 1 5/8 inches in length. Brown-black or greenish. Sometimes yellow on thorax and mouthparts. The wings are a brownish green.
• Habitat:
•         Around treas and other natural habitat.
• Food:
•         Adults do not eat. Nymphs feeds on juices from roots
• Life Cycle:
•         Gradual metamorphosis. Cicadas, also known as ‘locusts’, appear as adults in May and June, and crawl up into host trees to mate. After mating, the female cicada uses a knife-like organ to slit or puncture twigs of woody plants. She then lays eggs in the slits. In about 6 weeks the eggs hatch and the nymphs drop to the ground. They then dig into the soil and begin feeding by sucking sap from the tree roots. After approximately 3 years, the nymphs come out of the ground. They crawl up tree trunks, posts, or other objects; shed their last exoskeleton and emerge as adult, winged cicada. These adults live about one month. During this time they mate, and each female lays from 400 to 600 eggs.
• General Information:
•         Cicadas make a high-pitched, shrill sound which announces there presence to other cicadas. Only the male can make this sound to attract the females. The noise is produced from vibrating membranes on the underside of the first abdominal segment. Females can damage ornamental trees and shrubs by puncturing limbs and twigs when preparing egg-laying sites. Branches often die after being weakened by cicada egg-laying.

• Centipede: Class Chilopoda
•  
  Appearance:
• Usually brownish, flattened, and elongate animals which have many body segments. One pair of legs is attached to most of these body segments (unlike millipedes which have 2 pairs of legs per body segment). Length can be between 1 and 6 inches long and can run very rapidly.

  Habitat:

• Usually live outdoors in damp areas such as under leaves, stones, boards, tree bark, or in mulch around outdoor plantings. When these centipede habitats are near a home’s foundation, centipedes will wander inside where they may be found at floor level almost anywhere.

  Food:

• Centipedes eat only insects (carnivorous) such as spiders and ants, which can be beneficial to have them around if they can be tolerated.
• Life Cycle:
• They develop by gradual metamorphosis, so immature have a similar appearance to adults, but are smaller. Eggs are laid in the damp places that they live in, as well as behind sheaving, shingling, mulch and floor covering of landscaped areas, rocks and beneath bark on firewood. All life stages can be observed running rapidly across floors or accidentally trapped in bathtubs, sinks, and lavatories.

  General Information:

• Accidentally injured, larger centipedes may bite, causing some pain and slight swelling. Actually, their ‘bites’ are not caused by their jaws or mouthparts, but by the front legs which are modified to look and function like jaws and contain venom glands. Smaller species are not large enough to penetrate human skin. Centipede bites are usually not serious, but an antiseptic should be used and a physician consulted when the skin is punctured.

• House Centipede          Class Chilopoda

  Appearance:

•         The body is 1 to 1-1/2 inch long, but its legs make it appear to seem much larger. The body is grayish-yellow with 3 dark stripes extending along the full length of the back. The legs are long in proportion to the body size, and they have alternate light and dark bands running around them.
• Habitat:
•         Unlike most other centipedes, this species generally lives its entire life inside a building. It will prefer to live in damp areas such as cellars, closets, bathrooms, attics (during the warm months) and unexcavated areas under the house.
• Food:
•         The house centipede forages at night for small insects and their larvae, and for spiders. From a control tool point of view, they can be beneficial in controlling other insects.
• Life Cycle:
•         They develop by gradual metamorphosis, so immature have a similar appearance to adults but are smaller. Eggs are laid in the damp places that they live in, as well as behind baseboards or beneath bark on firewood. All life stages can be observed running rapidly across floors or accidentally trapped in bathtubs, sinks, and lavatories.
• General Information:
•         Although this centipede can bite, its jaws are quite weak. There usually is not more than a slight swelling if a bite occurs.

• Boxelder Bugs         Order Hemiptera       

  Appearance:

•         Adults are about inch long. They are bright red or black with narrow reddish lines on the back.
• Habitat:
•         Primarily around woods, Trees and gardens. When in dry environments, the Boxelder Bug can be found invading any structure which will offer needed moisture. Brick walls, wall voids, decaying plant mater and mulch can often be inspected to find large numbers coexisting.
• Food:
•         Principally sucking juices from the boxelder tree, but are found on maples,
• and fallen leaves from fruit trees.
• Life Cycle:
•         Gradual metamorphoses, with piercing-sucking mouth parts. Eggs are hidden in bark crevices or left on leaves and sometimes on seed pods in spring. Nymphs appear in late spring or early summer and develop rapidly. Adult females overwinter. 1 or 2 generations a year
• General Information:
•         Although this insect does little damage to trees, it causes deformities and blemishes in fruit. They may stain curtains and other resting sites with fecal spots and produce a foul odor when crushed. In autumn, huge swarms of females can be seen near buildings, looking for a place to overwinter.